Amalthea (amaltheae) wrote,
Amalthea
amaltheae

Dim Sum

"Dim Sum, n.: Chinese for 'more food than you've seen in your entire life.'"

A vegetarian friend found this quote and said he didn't think he'd ever tried Dim Sum. No? Really? *BWAHAHAHAHA*

I explained to him that when you eat Dim Sum in a GOOD Dim Sum place it is an edible crap shoot of an adventure. You ask the person who keeps bringing little dishes your way, who is usually oriental and barely speaks English anyway, what is in each thing, sometimes you get "Chicken" or "pork" as an answer and sometimes they just shake their head no and sort of fail to meet your eye. It is never entirely clear if this is because they don't know, don't know how to explain it to your English speaking ass, or think you're too white to handle the answer.

But it's GODAMNED GOOD SHIT when done right.

Okay, there are a few things that are obviously veggies of some sort, at least if you count veggies you might harvest from a boat, but most of it is little dumpling like sins of all different flavors and varieties, so what you are getting is anybody's guess, but it's GOOD.

You have not had a food adventure until you have eaten miniature french fry cut gelatenous bright fucking candy apple green mystery dishes that even after eating them you couldn't identify flavor or content no matter how hard you try.

Proper Dim Sum is a test of your dining cajones! Do you have the balls to say yes to that weird ass looking thing she just offered you! Are you man enough to bear the fear and possible joy therein.

Typically it is impossible to say whether it is animal, plant, mineral or other, so you are taking on the edible equivalent of Russian roulette.

And if it is a proper Dim Sum resteraunt, you are sitting at a table for 12 with some random assortment of Chinese people who do not even speak any English and they are watching. They shake their heads ever so slightly at what you do not have the balls to try. And just to prove your inferiority, they take two of that dish and look at you meaningfully as they eat it.

The message in their eyes is "Stupid cowardly American, you wouldn't know edible ecstacy if it walked you into a Chinese brothel and demanded the three best prostitutes in the place for you."

Because they know. They know you are all eating things God never intended and they DON'T CARE. Fuck God and his fruit trees, we will eat anything, no matter how utterly frightening in taste, texture, appearance or smell, no matter where it came from or how many cute pets we had to kill for it, for the pure joy of thumbing our nose at the universe, at all those who say "Ew, what is that thing!?" and "Oh, my God, you're eating fluffy!?" and who will never know the insane forbidden goodness that is Dim Sum. Ah, the knowledge is so sweet.

If only God had known, he would have abandoned apples and made Dim Sum grow on those trees! Then only the truly brave would have found the knowledge of all things good and evil.
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