Amalthea (amaltheae) wrote,
Amalthea
amaltheae

Dinner

I think I've figured out what part of the issue is with our usual dinner routine. What usually happens is that Deb says "eh, I don't care" or "I don't need dinner" and we all go rounds over the "What should we have?" question, eliciting many "I don't know"s and lots of frustration. Eventually nearly everyone drops out of the conversation in one way or another. It tends to then get ugly from there as I get to the point that I'm ready to beat my head on a wall over the entire topic. This is compounded by never remembering to plan meals, though usually planning meals involves having basically the same damn conversation ten times at once, rather than once a night.

One of the problems is that I struggle with abandonment issues. I don't like feeling just dropped on the floor or like everyone just opted out of something I need and left me dangling there to just cope or hide. It's not about what to have for dinner any more. It's about the fact that everyone would rather stay absorbed and avoid decissions and spin and lose weight and throw in my face that we didn't plan as though this is somehow solely my responsibility because I'm upset, than change their attitude and really work on it with me. Sometimes one or the other of them manages to get it together, but hardly ever both of them at the same time. I just end up feeling like screaming on the subject.

For reasons that I still cannot fathom, Deb generally seems to want to skip dinner and Joel just wants to have canned pasta or mac and cheese. What ends up happening is that I settle on some unpalatable frozen dinner and everyone stays sucked into whatever they wanted to be doing more than really spending time with me.

That's what dinner is to me. It's an evening togetherness ritual. This is a problem because Deb never wants to eat and I am absolutely not okay with her just sitting there watching me eat after all the years of shit from my mother and the fact that she generally acts frustrated with doing so anyway.

Things are further agravated in my life because I can never even begin to guess on what schedule Deb might want food or not want food, and I'm so desperate for the time spent that way that I then say yes to dinner when I'm not hungry because I gave up and assumed she wouldn't be hungry, so I ate like an hour before that feeling like, as long as my emotional need wasn't going to be met anyway, I might as well not have the irritating conversation at home. Invariably those are the nights that Deb finally wants to have something to eat and I can't bring myself to even say anything because I'm a mess inside on the subject and clutching for whatever I can get.

The whole thing really frustrates me. Then it is often compounded by especially bad reactions to me being upset. I'm upset about being abandoned, so I'm bitchy, which makes Deb decide she's a horrible person that I don't want to be around, and she goes off to sleep elsewhere unless I fight with her not to which furthers my insecurity about being abandoned because I have to beg for even that.

I don't know how to deal with any of it. The planning it on Sundays is causing essentially the same frustration. No one wants to plan it. Everyone is bitchy. If I don't make it happen, it just won't happen. I end up coming up with 2/3rds of it anyway, which is part of what was setting me off about doing it nightly. The fight and internal panic and feeling of being left high and dry with petulant resentful unhelpful spouses is just all crammed into one day which is at least less frequently exhausting if still a big problem for me.

Last night it was made worse by the fact that eventually I got back up because I was having a gas attack because I hadn't eaten anything, and Joel, once he knew what was wrong, went back to his computer, didn't offer to take me to taco bell or go with me, and instead went to bed while I went so I couldn't even talk to him when I got back, and I felt abandoned again.

I woke up this morning feeling like no one loved me. I eventually worked up the nerve to climb into bed with Joel for some much needed affection, but I've been a mess most of the day still, and I'm dreading going home tonight because either I have to go through it all again, decide for everyone, or talk Deb out of a "I'm a terrible spouse who should punish herself" fit which just compounds all of it further because I can't get it out in the open without being afraid I will then have to drop my distress on the floor for hers which is miserable, or be more miserable by letting her scald herself or go off to kill herself in a car accident or something.

*sigh* I feel really trapped on the subject. I don't know how to make them care. I don't know how to make Deb want dinner. I don't know how to deal with her just staring at me. I don't know how to not care and I have had no luck at all in trying to just attach the need to something else instead of dinner.
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