Amalthea (amaltheae) wrote,

Ripped from comments on a previous post because I hate LJ's fucking word limit on comments.

Ys (ysabel) wrote,

"The complex answers seem to be get Deb medicated for depression once she's healed from her upcoming surgery and hope that Joel decides to take responsibility for his diet in a healthy way rather than making us watch him kill himself at some point."

I will admit to some frustration that there's never any 'and address Amy's issues on the subject' in these sorts of statements.

By all means, let me know if you have a suggestion on the subject. I have before and will again MAKE myself cook for myself enough to survive, but I'm never going to find joy in it, and it's never going to change that it makes me feel sad that one of my major feeling loved things is not something either of you care enough to figure out. I will do it to avoid the disaster though if that's what you both want me to do to solve it.

As for my frustration over organizing the entire thing, I have no idea what to do on the subject other than avoid it because no one else seems to have the maintenance skills or desire, and you flat out said in a previous session with Debann that you absolutely refuse to force being pleasant about something you don't like to do like planning meals. If I take you at your word during that tantrum, I have no way to change you two and no way to feel less drained at your combined emotional states on the subject other than avoidance. I have tried to change things to just avoiding the subject, rather than throwing a pissed off fit of utter frustration myself, as the only way to get people to all at least try, because it was just adding more pain to everyone's life, even though I have no other means to elicit cooperation that I have been able to determine. That's the best I've come up with. I don't know how to find people being bitchy, lethargic, distractible, whiney and uncooperative pleasant or tolerable and Debann seems to think I've done too much bending over backward trying to fix the damn mess already, anyway.

The only other primary issue I can come up with is that I really loathe having you just sit and watch me eat. I have relaxed about it a hell of a lot. I've let you cook for me even when you wouldn't eat lately, with relatively little outward distress expressed on the subject, despite having to swallow feeling like an imposing drain on a spouse who is already barely ever up to anything at all for herself in the evening and my own feeling terrible on the subject. I've put up with being painfully uncomfortable more than once to avoid the fight and let you just not want to ever eat, trying to unwire it. I've put up with you sitting there for 10 minutes not eating, seeming bored and moving on to do something else, leaving me with Joel who then tells me to watch his food while he goes to fuck with his computer more and I sit there alone, without throwing the emotional tantrum this made me feel like throwing because it seemed unfair to make you sit there and be bored and unreasonable to scream at Joel for asking such a "little" thing. I've spent time trying to guess whether you might want dinner tonight and eating before you get home if I thought you wouldn't so it wouldn't be an issue, but I guess wrong more often than right, and I end up feeling left out of a dinner ritual I care about or eating twice, which is ridiculous, so I can't eliminate it successfully that way. I don't know how to just take back the fact that my mother was a brutal and broken bitch. I've come a DAMN long way from the food/weight issues I had at 17, most of that in this relationship and for the two of you.

I have given and shut up and changed and racked my brain for ideas about it in some way to some degree on every single aspect of the problem. I've eaten fazzoli's with you because you wanted it even though I was miserable and awake half the night. I've tried to make every one of Debann's suggestions happen on at least a trial run. I've given up getting my need to not feel watched during dinner met off and on as often as I can stand to.

But see, I do not get credit for those things on the tally as far as I can tell because I cannot just magically wave a wand and remove my internal emotional distress from your perception, or no one notices them, and because the attempts have not all been successful or frequent enough for your tastes, so I get the joy of failure and no path forward on top of guilt about not changing enough when I can't even fathom either of you feeling that way on the subject.

I have spent MANY hours trying to analyze some way for me to change me that would make the whole thing go away. I went on Prevacid, had my gall bladder out even though it scared the hell out of me, I quit the job that was draining me in the evenings too, etc, (I can come up with a complete list if it will some how make the effort appreciated or at least acknowledged) all to try to make the dinner/evening time problem go away. I'm out of ideas and running really low on energy to keep giving on my needs and changing for you two when I don't really see remotely the same level of adaptation attempts coming from the other side. There are adaptation attempts, some even succeed, but as far as I can tell, they have not been nearly as extensive to date as what you seem to expect from me. Because I'm not willing to just cry that my best doesn't seem good enough to be let off the hook, I keep beating myself into trying to the point that I'm starting to feel like there is nothing else left to give in about.

I'm not necessarily unwilling to try to change something if a realistic option can be forged from the ashes on the subject but I am completely and totally baffled about what it might be and it doesn't change that if the three of us are sitting at dinner, whether or not you're eating or just staring at me, whether or not you've cooked for us or just for me, you still don't feel like it is successful family time or conversation you can participate in, so why keep you trapped in the chair, when neither of us are getting what we need from it?

Am I just missing some solution? Is there some issue I don't even know about that I could fix? We at least came up with me trying to make it more clear that I'm still thinking about what might work for dinner so people will stop just resenting me for not having an immediate answer when I can't handle grease or acid and most suggestions you've made is one or the other or both. And I'm willing to give on that one too because anything that will get the resentment monster to back the fuck off my shoulders is worth it to me, but what else is there? Why am I getting so much resentment in the first place from both of you? Why does it constantly piss you off that I'm as baffled as you are about how to meet all of our needs/wants? Why is it that coming up with something you two wants and then offering it to me when it fairly obviously falls into greasy or acidic elicits frustration and annoyance at me for not having an immediate better idea? Why will you plan around Joel's complete nonsense bad for him want without blowing up at him, but I get blown up at sporradically and unpredictably for not wanting to just put up with an innability to sleep and choking up stomach acid after eating your first suggestions on the topic that half the time didn't take that fact into account considerately when it was suggested but did take Joel's want into account? Maybe I can arrange to spend dinner time at TamTam's house and she and I can take turns cooking so none of the issues can get triggered for anyone. That's all I've got on the subject.

I'm sorry, but it's someone else's turn to contribute some ideas or change themselves for a while. And yes, I'm really pissed off right now, struggling to attempt to understand how you can even possibly have the perception that I am not asking myself for change and toeing the edge of losing complete control of myself on the subject, so I'm going to leave the computer for a while and try to calm down.

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