October 15th, 2001

(no subject)

Sometimes I just want to scream.

I hate hyperfocus. It drives me fucking crazy.

It drives me crazy when I do it just as much as when those around me do it.

I constantly feel like I'm beating my head against the wall. And there is no good solution. It renders otherwise non-addictive people absolutely absorbed in everything they sit down with often to the exclusion of everything else in their universe.

The worst part is living with intelligent enough people that when you're talking to them about things while they're in this state, the respond, but don't remember or have any sense of time or perspective. So that they often agree to or with thing but it triggers no other response whatsoever from the person in question even if what they agreed to is to get up right now and go do x. And most of the time they don't even remember having had the exchange at some point in the middle there.

And I don't know what to do with the fact that I now how two spouses who get into this state really easily on top of myself to manage. I go round and round stating solutions like setting limits before hand and setting timers to trigger them, and such, but I'm helter skelter at applying the useful solutions to myself and feel like they won't ever happen without me doing them for anyone else.

In the end this results in us finding a few things that we find some pleasure in being zombies about and never having the switching mechanisms to do anything else, including ping spouses, hug people in passing, let alone spend real time together. I know that at times when I have less trouble with getting into the zombie state I'm a hell of a lot happier and less prone to snapping at people when interrupted and such things, but I don't know how to impart this information to someone who is just as happy to be a zombie full time and annoyed that whatever I want from a spouse is not easily quantifiable in big plannable time chunck to be scheduled in the future.

What I want is attentiveness. I want someone to notice short of a neon sign or a 2x4 that I'm in the room and could maybe use a hug. For a little while things had gotten better with J. I'm not really sure what the difference is at the moment except maybe that he goes through the less and more successful cycles just like I do. And I know the new schedule is something he's having to adjust to too, so i'm feeling guilty and like a selfish bitch because I'm having a hard time adjusting and wanting some affection and attentiveness from him.

Some of this is not entirely his fault since both of us keep failing to get him in to talk to a doctor about things and maybe get him real treatment. Maybe it would also help some if I can manage to find a way for him to take his drugs twice a day rather than once since that's really what he's supposed to do with them and much more successful at leveling someone.

All I know is that I miss the cuddly attentive J that puts his arms around me when he sees me and manages to seem like he wants to be around me and sharing my world. I love both J's and have a hell of a lot of sympathy for the addictive zombie J who is often a manifestation of the way I feel. I just wish there were something I could do to manage to cope with the hard parts better without feeling like I'm beating my head against a wall.

I love you J. Don't take what I say to mean that I don't understand . I know I do it too and its hard to get me dissengaged for things sometimes too. I'm just frustrated and had a really really shitty day.
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