May 17th, 2004


So, despite the fact that I could have changed my name by simply signing something else on my marriage certificate, and despite the fact that I can simply assume a new name by chosing to use it, if I want my name officially changed on records, I have to have two complete background investigations and fill out a quarter inch of forms, pay for a newspaper ad send the FBI payment and wait terminally to get it all taken care of.

So I give in and go ahead and try to jump through the hoops. We pick up the PILE of forms from the court house. Among them are fingerprint cards we must have done. No, of course they cannot do them there. Instead you must pay someone to treat you like a mugger and drive to some other government facility. They will not give you the fingerprint cards in the first place without stamping them with the reason you have requested them, so in big black stamp all of the cards say "NAME CHANGE C.R.S. blah."

After being yelled at repeatedly for not behaving enough like a convict during the fingerprinting by a woman who probably has a night job as a dominatrix, you have to mail them and payment off to the FBI and the state equivalent, in this case, the Colorado Bureau of Investigations. The CBI can manage to turn a request around in under 48 hours because there is a law on the books requiring that they do so.

The FBI, though, in their complete lack of concern for the US populace apparently takes at least 8 weeks to even read their mail. First of all the FBI will not take most legal forms of currency. They must only accept currency that costs the sender extra money to get in the first place. Because of this, I had to send money orders, which I had never done before. The particular money orders were designed in such a way that the line for a signature was not distinct from the decorations on the money order and the word signature was greyed out to the point that it was nearly indistinguishable. So I didn't realize they had to be signed.

Also, the STACK of forms from the county did not include that I had to send a letter with the signature cards and money to the FBI. Because apparently the giant black stamp that says "NAME CHANGE" is insufficient to clue in a govnernment employee of the purpose of the card being in their hot little hand, so we must kill additional trees in our effort to duplicate all efforts.

The best part? It took the 8 fucking weeks to send me back the thing to sign the checks and require a letter. In 8 fucking weeks they apparently never opened their mail. My tax dollars are clearly hard a work. So now, in two weeks when I have to have a photo ID with the new name, I am basically fucked because they have to make everything as time consuming, inane, detailed and irritating as possible. All of this when I can just adopt the name and it becomes a legal fucking alias. Aren't you thrilled that you pay your hard earned money to create this sort of hassle for yourself? I know I am. I find it less and less hard to believe that there are people all over the world who would like to destroy our government with explosives.