July 12th, 2004

This world we live in.

Disclaimer: I often wait to write about things till I have some sort of epiphany about them or at least something profound to look at in the analysis. The following is not that. It is mostly depressed dwelling on frustrations and you are welcome to skip it if the whining will annoy you.

I haven't posted much here in a while in part because I have been insanely busy and in part because I have been really depressed about the world we live in which often makes me retreat into myself emotionally.

We've been doing an art show or festival a weekend for a bit here. They've mostly all been depressing, sucked, wasted time and made me want to stop bothering to do artwork at all. This weekend we at least made enough that I can probably manage to enter the expensive Christmas show whose deadline is on the horizon. But we haven't ever made enough for me to get to enjoy any of it or not just have too many expenses the next week that I feel bad about coming out of our general finances.

See, people consider art a luxury where they consider a poorly done pillow that an elephant could have done with more design sense and stupid sun visors for their dogs novelties that they can justify.

Everyone on the planet is freaked out about whether Bush or Kerry will get elected. And based on the statements of the artists who have been trying to do shows through his four year term, there probably won't be any art shows to go to if Bush does manage to get elected again. (Or should I say "take office again even if he isn't elected"?) However much the excessively religious and redneck of this country may like the man, big bidness other than the oil industry does not, and they pass that nervousness and fear right on down the line to every employee that works for them by way of pay cuts and layoffs and penny pinching and project cancellation, etc. So all those millions of people out there, even the ones who didn't get the axe, are living in fear of what tomorrow will hold and that isn't generally a place from which the human race can appreciate beauty. They are worried about survival. Theirs, their families, their loved ones fighting wars that can never be won.

And so no one is buying artwork. I am starting to feel like I should break the show rules and send someone else to run my booth because I just might rip the eye balls out of the next person who tells me that my work is phenominal, that they love it, that they don't have any money, but then thank God over and over again that he gave me such tallent. I want to pound the next one's head in for being so dim that they see no connection between the current financial state of this country and their love of our zeallotry driven leader and pretend conception of God (editing out all those pesky tollerance and don't judge people and trust God and everyone was created in his image bits).

I was talking to a man in the booth next to me yesterday who was talking about the last time that we found ourselves in a war that there was no way to win because it was impossible to tell the enemy from the general populace. He was saying that we all needed to get out there and make it stop like they had to the last time this happened to the American people. How can you win a war when all you know of the enemy is that they fall into a general sweeping category of a noun? The answer is that no matter how much you hate Saddam and no matter how much you buy into setting the iraqies free, you still cannot propose a successful end game to this mess.

I was talking to a vendor about the fact that I honestly don't feel like buying anything either knowing that the asshole moron and his puppet masters are trying to make me draftable as soon as the election is over and that it is hard to blame people for being scared out of their minds. Some bravado driven man walked in and said he thought the draft was a great idea for everyone and that he would go happily! I looked at him as though he were out of his mind because it was just impossible to reason with him if he wanted to go but wasn't going to sign up until we were all fucked too. There could be no actual intelligence in this man if he thought it was a great idea to go to war, but only if he was made to along with millions of other people whose lives would thus be destroyed by it. It's no wonder we have a moron in office. He is a perfect representation of the majority of our culture.

I see things about the things you have to believe to elect this party or that party and all the intellectual witticisms going around about politics right now, all the slash jokes about Kerry and Edwards, etc and I just want to grab people and shake them until sense returns. Look at the people around you. Look at the current state of the lives of everyone you know. Can you honestly say that they were, overall, better off for the last four years? If not, I don't care if Mickey Mouse is the opposition, clearly the current path has failed, try something different. If you know four more years of the same will lead to more pain and suffering, where is the need for intellectual analysis of the fine points of every time Kerry has changed his mind? It doesn't matter. You have a choice between 100% chance of being fucked for four more years and at least a very tiny chance that Kerry will turn out to be different enough that your boss will stop outsourcing your job to India in a desperate hurry. That is all, end of story. It's not about gays, it's not about purple hearts and war records, its not about running mates or marriage rights, it's not about who changes their mind most often or even whether or not there were weapons of mass destruction. Those are diversions to keep you from looking at the hard facts around you.

What I really want to do at the moment is pack up and move to another country before it is too late to do so. I don't want to keep trying to sell art that no one cares enough to buy.

Anyway, that's sort of the vague update.

As for more interpersonal stuff in my life, Deb and Joel have mostly been managing to be pretty cool about having so many of their weekends sucked up in depressing time wasting events. Deb's been fighting with her hormone dossages which has lead to some time in the black pit of dispair which I always have a hard time dealing with. I still wish Joel could find a way to want things from me more, but I have been so emotionally exhausted with the way shows are going that I have mostly just been withdrawing into my own depression on the subject which is probably not helping at all. But I don't have the energy for much of anything else at the moment.

I feel like I am just spending my hours mostly trying to be all the things I am supposed to want to be and mostly feeling very empty and too often like a burden to people. I feel like a strange man with an ear bud is going to nab me to tell me that I have been living two lives...one in which I do everything I am supposed to, do art shows, arrange for Kit to not be thrown to the wolves, be patient with him, play with Deb when she wants it, manage to not be a crying disaster most of the time, etc, and one in which I am terrified and lonely and incapable of getting most of my needs met. I keep waking up to Deb and Joel playing and pretending to be asleep so that I can keep from being hostile or crying. I keep finding myself doing whatever it is that I feel like I have to do at night to keep up with all this mess and wanting to cry that everyone has just gone off and left me to it. I feel like I am headed into a very deep chasm and giving up on all of it, but I don't know what to do with any of it anymore. I can't make Joel want things from me. I can't make Kit want to have a real life other than EverCrack, or open up, or learn to talk about the hard stuff. I can't make Deb stop deciding not to tell me things because she's sure she knows my answer already. I can't make any of it magically better and I can't just not need those things, either. I have talked and talked and tried and tried and I just have nothing left to draw from on the subject.

If any of it is meant to be, maybe something will miraculously change before I hit absolute bottom. I don't know. In the mean time I should go paint more pictures that no one will buy and stop dwelling on my depression for a while.