November 10th, 2004

The FDA and prophecy

My family and I were on a flight of fantasy the other night about how to deal with the situation that our country finds itself in. Much silliness was had before the conversation ended, positing time machines and mechs and a variety of other impossibilities.

As part of the conversation, I was reminded of the pomposity of much of our western culture related to the Bible. You talk to a Christian about the Bible and you find out that somehow many of them have convinced themselves that the US is the nation posited in revelations, that we are the trigger to Armageddon. Sects have risen and fallen or sometimes survived their egotistical assumptions over and over again. One after another someone predicts that Armageddon is secretly coded into the bible and is going to happen in their life time. Of course, time and again, they have been just plain wrong. Either that or like the fear demon from Buffy, no one read the fine print under Armageddon that said "actual size" and there was one guy in South Dakota who went bye-bye while none of us were paying attention.

No one has figured out what address to write to to get the "official" magic decoder ring.

It really just blows my mind the egotistical self inflated conviction these people come to, their desire to be that important to history. Adventism was one of the religions that was based on this sort of false prophecy. When the supposed date came and went and nothing happened, everyone looked around and went "did it work? Has the curse been lifted?" to discover that no, like all such things so far, they were missing some crucial piece of the Aztec gold or didn't have the right blood sacrifice. Their answer to Armageddon not coming around? They wised up and declared that "woops, we missed a clause" and revised their prophecy to declare that the date in question was the date on which Jesus went into the inner sanctum to begin sorting names for the coming Armageddon. Much better as prophecies go. No way to prove or disprove a thing and thus nothing which might disillusions you followers with your powers of sight.

My thought about discovering such revisionist prophecy is the verse in the Bible that says that false prophets will be shown by their prophecy’s failure to manifest. Yup guys, you pretty much stepped right in the middle of that one. And they are the fastest growing religion in the US at the moment, which speaks volumes about the inability of the masses to even begin to evaluate their own religious fervor.

In fact every time that someone who isn’t especially Christian gets a hold of the good book and tries to figure out the math, they come up with things like long dissertations on how the event described as Armageddon was supposed to have happened in the year 310 or so, and everyone since has been deluding themselves with self importance.

Yes, folks, by that math, we’ve already lived out the 1000 years afterward, even. Which, if you look at the crusades and a variety of other things, isn’t all that hard to believe.

Really, the biggest problem with the Bible is that the FDA is falling down on its job. As the opiate of the masses, the good book falls well within their purview, but they have done nothing to slap a “best if used by date” on some important sections therein. It would solve so very many pesky deluded false prophets and the issues with the wing nut currently in charge of the white house. Let’s just rip the rug right out from under them folks and clear up the whole mess. Yes, boys and girls, you left that one on the shelf too long and it spoiled. There are lots of other goodies to be had, but your good milk of revelations has curdled and it’s time to stop being pompous self important idiots and move on. Paul? Well, see, Paul expired a few years back when they figured out that sexual preference was biologically unalterable and so he was sorta in direct contradiction with God and that whole business of creating each of us in his image. Maybe we could finally move on from so much dogma and get to the important parts then. The parts that have no need to expire like that whole love your neighbor thing and the one about treating people like you would like to be treated. You know, the important highlights that you folks are ignoring.

Thank you. That is all.