November 22nd, 2004

A public service announcement

Okay, folks. If you find yourself involved with someone kinky, and things are all hunky-dory until one day he tells you that you have to force someone to allow him to use their body in some way they have specifically dissallowed in the initial negotiation, RUN LIKE HELL.

This post by someone about the situation she found herself in has just horrified me enough that I need to clarify something for anyone listening.

Sex acts in direct contravention of consent are called rape. This is true even if you have previously consented to sex of some other sort with this same person. Your husband, your long term lover, any of them can rape you if you have said no and they ignore that no. Even if you can only get a charge for sexual assualt to stick because of circumstances, the act is rape.

Just because you are into kinky things, does not mean that you have signed up for any treatment someone wants to dish out. Just because you are into kinky things does not mean the law is not still there specifically to protect you. Law enforcement professionals, like medical professionals are damn hard to phase. They have probably seen everything you could ever call them about before and then some. If you find yourself in a situation where someone has blown off one of your boundaries or tried to force you to blow off someone else's boundaries, CALL THE POLICE.

Someone who justifies their actions with "She secretly wants it" when someone has specifically said no is a sociopath. This is the ideology of a rapist or murderer. Let me clarify the term.

Antisocial Personality Disorder is also known as psychopathy or sociopathy. Individuals with this disorder have little regard for the feeling and welfare of others. ... Antisocial Personality Disorder is chronic, beginning in adolescence and continuing throughout adulthood. There are ten general symptoms:

not learning from experience
no sense of responsibility
inability to form meaningful relationships
inability to control impulses
lack of moral sense
chronically antisocial behavior
no change in behavior after punishment
emotional immaturity
lack of guilt

People with this disorder may exhibit criminal behavior. They may not work. They do not consider other people's wishes, welfare or rights. They can be manipulative and may lie to gain personal pleasure or profit. They may default on loans, fail to provide child support, or fail to care for their dependents adequately. High risk sexual behavior and substance abuse are common. Impulsiveness, failure to plan ahead, aggressiveness, irritability, irresponsibility, and a reckless disregard for their own safety and the safety of others are common traits of the antisocial personality.

Socioeconomic status, gender, and genetic factors play a role. Males are more likely to be antisocial than females. Those from lower socioeconomic groups are more susceptible. A family history of the disorder puts one at higher risk.

There are many theories about the cause of Antisocial Personality Disorder including experiencing neglectful parenting as a child, low levels of certain neurotransmitters in the brain, and belief that antisocial behavior is justified.

Please people, even if you like someone to leave you black and blue every weekend, if they are doing it in a way that you have specifically said no to, or if they are trying to force you to ignore someone else's boundaries, get help immediately. This person will keep preying on those whose emotions they cannot comprehend until someone finally presses charges and gets them off the street, and hopefully gets them the medical attention they need. If you have played with someone who you discover to have these traits, PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING HOLY, stay away from this person in the future. Do not allow them further access to your vulnerability. You do not know what other subjects they may not comprehend feelings about. Murderers are regularly quoted as saying to their attempted victims "I don't understand why you're hysterical. It's not like I am going to hurt you or rape you. I am just going to kill you. Don't you want me to kill you?" They sincerely do not get it. Somehow their brain is disconnected from our reality. Protect yourself and anyone you know to be a likely victim as best you can.