And so it hit me the other day that what he's wanting more than anything is to feel safe and protected and told what to do during sex so he doesn't feel lost. Can you say bottomspace? Some people can just manage to feel good about things vanilla, but J rarely feels secure that easily.
I think sometimes that we lose what BDSM is all about under a pile of leather and toys and terms. But the point is to provide a safe place to explore things that are sometimes painfully hard to explore, while making sure that everyone feels protected, safe and loved. And as far as I can tell, that's where his depression has taken him, to needing exactly that. And his shyness has really needed it all along. And we sometimes forget that you can have some of BDSM without needing the rest.
J may not ever be a pain slut. He seems to have an overdriven sensory system that means that everything seems more intense than it does in other people. His parents wondered about mild autism partially because of these reactions. But touching him pretty much anywhere right after playing gets the same reaction I would normally expect from touching a man's genitals right after sex. He doesn't exactly mind the touch, but it's clearly physically overwhelming and his whole body twitches. And so, as BDSM things go, everything will be pretty mellow physically for a while at least. The point is the emotional intensity and letting him feel safe and like he has a road map to what to do.
I'm only just starting to play with some of the verbal parts of topping and otherwise just being assertive while I learn how he responds to some things, but so far so good. The thing that gets me is how overwhelming my feelings of love get for this man when I watch him making an effort to relax and let me do whatever I'm about to do. I guess maybe it's because I know it's not easy for him to trust his sex life that much with those emotions he usually only expresses elsewhere. I'm just blown away by how relationships change over time and by his timid willingness to see what I can nurture sexually that he struggles with in lots of his life. I have no idea whether it will stay a gentle subtext to the usual, or if he will really bloom extensively in this new way, but I'm fascinated.
I once thought I wouldn't deal all that well with a long term relationship with a male switch or bottom. Guess it just took the right guy and some growing up on my part. When we first got involved I couldn't have figured it out because I was still so insecure about men. Still feel bad that it's taken me this long to realize that he's so shy that he doesn't really even know what he likes well enough to order someone else to do it to him beyond the really basics. This we shall fix! I'm not an expert on male anatomy, but he doesn't mostly seem to mind my learning curve and he's willing to speak up when it's not right. And so now I'm like a kid with a new toy to experiment with. *grin* And I think it's at least helping me emotionally to balance things more.
*hugs* You're amazing.